Marriage
Ask the Experts by Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW
Q - adore my husband, he treats me very well and I have so much to be grateful for regarding our marriage. We have been married for seven years and we're both in great health, our children are healthy, that said, debated even writing as I've got so much gratitude, it's just that we bicker and get on each other's nerves, how do we stop the petty bickering?
A - We all know the saying, "we only hurt the one's we love" and it seems there is truth to this statement. However you are correct as the petty bickering can wear us down, and it often becomes a new bad habit. If you find yourself bickering daily, yes it is wise to explore what else might be going on.
Q - I suppose you are right as I've been very stressed out and most of my stress has nothing to do with my husband. My stress is how to find the time to complete my daily tasks, how to find energy for our children and then I start feeling irritated with my husband that he seems so calm and relaxed, and all of the while I'm racing around bathing our kids and so forth. My husband helps with our kids and cooks dinner every night. I have so much guilt for the way I treat him at times, but I just feel like I'm drowning sometimes, can you help?
A - Even women without children struggle to juggle all of their tasks at hand. I recommend prioritizing and limiting some things that contribute to you feeling so overextended.
Q - I understand, but with ill parents, my job, kids, it just seems there is nothing to get rid of and all I really want is time with my husband. I get mad as when we're together, there is so much to do we're really not together. Does this make sense?
A - Yes, I hear the same complaint from many couples. We all need down time to decompress and we all have projects to complete, yet long for more hours in the day.
Q - Exactly. I have all of these ideas for fun things my husband and I can do with the kids or alone, then I'm too tired to do these things. Then when I'm energetic, he is tired or has his own projects to complete.
A - Timing truly is everything. It is imperative you carve out time for your marriage so you both feel energetic and are able to enjoy one another's company.
Q - Well, I have suggested this and my husband says finances are strained so we opt for a night at home, then he has the remote, watches what he wants and falls asleep on the couch! Then if I say anything I am a nag, when I just want time alone with him.
A - Date night can be a challenge in these hard economic times. People also do have the best of intentions and fall asleep as we're all over-extended. We all get comfortable in our relationships and many say their partner has become too lax or complacent.
Q - Yes, that is it! I want to hear the things he said, the nice compliments I heard during our courtship, I want him to want to spend time with me, I get mad at him as he doesn't give me those things anymore.
A - I understand, an 80 year old gentleman told me the secret to a happy marriage was that he never ever stopped chasing his bride. It seems all women want to be romanced, made to feel special, cherished and adored in their marriage.
Q - So should I try to explain this to my husband?
A - Yes, if finances are limited, have family member watch kids and simply go take a walk.
Q - I tried that and he said he doesn't like to hold hands when we walk and he needs space when we sleep as he needs a good night's rest. During our courtship, he always held my hand and loved to cuddle. These to me, as such little things that make me happy and yet, he no longer seems interested in them, is this normal?
A - As I mentioned, we all tend to get too comfortable within our relationships, but there is always room for creative ways to negotiate and compromise. Weekend getaways are also a good idea, breaking free from our daily lives with our spouse is very healthy. A change of scenario also instills a sense of new things, more to converse about and an element of fun. Nights out with friends can also do the same, as conversations with other's can refresh your relationship. Kind words and gestures are also beneficial in marriage. Effort is the key, it is important to understand and respect our partner's needs and vice versa and then to compromise.
Q - Great, I will try these things, any other suggestions?
A - The film, Fireproof is great to watch with your spouse to validate any struggles you might have or want to prevent from occurring. Seeking out a couple's therapist or attending a couple's retreat is also very beneficial to keep your relationship fresh.
Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW is a clinical social worker in private practice, teaches at Wayne state University, and facilitates women's and couple's retreats in Lexington, Mi www.marlaruhana.com 586-801-4701. Visit her web site www.marlaruhana.com. Ruhana is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals.
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