A New Sense of Entitlement "The Rules Don't Apply to Me"

Ask the Experts by Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW

Q: What is going on within this society? I feel like I can't even relate to my friends anymore! I no longer enjoy socializing as the things that seem alright to them are NOT alright with me. Their reactions frustrate me too, as if I am some prude. The truth is I have not changed, they've changed and appear to be so laid back with regard to parenting, can you help me?

A: It sounds like you have strong beliefs and adhere to your values in terms of parenting and feel frustrated as others in your circle seem desensitized?

Q: Yes, that is exactly how I feel, they minimize their child's MIP's, and seem to sweep things under the rug. I feel aggravated and frustrated. Am I wrong?

A: I cannot speak to those in your circles, yet can say that many things contribute to parental views of their children's behavior. The television does impact us in ways many do not consciously recognize, i.e.; the behavior role modeled which should be viewed as entertainment, many begin to model. Other contributing factors might be traits of narcissism, which we in the field of mental health are seeing more and more in our practice, and their own abuse of substances.

Q: You are so right! I can't begin to tell you the number of adults I see running or rolling through stop signs, abusing alcohol or marijuana, yet telling their kids not to do the same! My husband and I hosted a party recently, and I was shocked at the number of guests who never replied to our RSVP, and then showed up at the party!

A: I hear your frustration. This is nothing new, I hear the same from many others, this lack of accountability, a sense of entitlement, sort of an unspoken sense that the rules do not apply to them?

Everyone's lives and time are of great value, and it seems many feel frustrated as you prepare to host a party, and as result of many guests sense of entitlement by having no regard for your feelings, disregarding your RSVP, can add stress at your event on so many levels, i.e., caterer, space etc.

Q: Yes, indeed, good thing it did not rain as our home was overflowing and fortunately guests could be in our yard, and I was grateful we did have enough food. The bottom line is that this type of behavior is rude! It also feels that they are a bit condescending towards me when I address my own teenager's drinking, and they merely dismiss all of my concerns and those of their children too! I feel insulted and judged! My friendships feel so one-sided. I often feel like what happened to my friends? It's as if I am speaking a foreign language, like I am no longer understood by them! Any ideas as to what has changed?

A: I can tell you their behavior is nothing personal. Many are in denial in terms of their own behavior and choices. They might get defensive and insinuate you are overreacting to justify their own behavior, and avoid being accountable. Throughout life, people change and depending on their circumstances many make bad choices on a multitude of levels.

Q: Well how do I handle this as I feel I can no longer relate to them? It is as if I prevent fires and they put them out, and when a crisis occurs, then they call, yet act as if we never had previous discussions about avoiding fires in our lives! It gets tiring, not only with my friends, I see parents at school minimizing their kids detentions, bad grades and so forth. How do I stop feeling irritated?

A: It sounds like you are searching for peace. The only place to find it is within. My suggestion is to distance yourself from people who do not follow the same rules you adhere to and spend time with those who "get it". Life is hard enough. You will find that we have no control over the behavior of others, but we can role model good behavior to all of those we encounter as well as our children. When you surround yourself with other parents who are "switched on" your life becomes less stressful, and your energy and time can be spent in more productive ways.

Your children will then be surrounded by others modeling good behavior. Granted, these frustrations will likely still occur and be apparent to you from time to time, yet the frequency will diminish and the energy at your parties will be different as your guests will be those who are like-minded and respect you. Often we need to look at who we choose to surround ourselves with, and why? Then we can make necessary changes and as a result experience more quality of life.

Our children are our future, you do have some control over the behavior you and others role model to them, as we want to avoid instilling in our own children this notion that they too are entitled, do not have to follow the rules, and do not have to be accountable.

Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW is a clinical social worker in private practice in St Clair Shores. She also teaches cognitive behavioral therapy in the Graduate School of Social Work at Wayne State University. For more info please visit her website at www.marlaruhana.com or call 586-801-4701. Ruhana is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals.

The Family Center, a 501C 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.  To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit our website www.familycenterweb.org.

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