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Parenting: The Middle School Years

Ask the Experts by Scott Tily

Q: I'm the parent of an 11yr old boy, how do I help him and, to be honest, myself navigate the middle school years?

A: Attending middle school is an exciting and challenging time for both students and parents. With their rapid brain development, the onset of puberty and the subsequent rapid changes in their bodies, and the fluctuations of hormones in their system and the subsequent impact on their moods and impulse control, there is little wonder that at times adolescents may seem dazed and confused.

In addition, parents and teachers are no longer perceived as omniscient as they once used to be. Yet amidst all this turmoil and change adolescents need to learn structure, organization and take more and more responsibility for themselves and their schoolwork.

  • Consistency continues to be rule number one. Both parents need to agree on what is acceptable and the appropriate consequences for improper behavior and then clearly communicate this to their child. Your children may argue with you about this, but they actually need and want your structure and guidance.
  • Adolescents love to negotiate. So when appropriate, do so. Some parents have discovered that negotiating what the consequences will be ahead of time helps. Also as your child grows and develops, new areas of negotiation will arise. Use these opportunities not only to engage with your child, but also to add new responsibilities. As they become able to handle more freedom expect more responsibility in return.
  • When conflicts do arise, understand your emotional triggers and your child's. Remember that elevated hormone levels and the fact that the part of the brain that regulates emotions, the amygdala, is predominant during adolescences and causes impulsive responses. The frontal lobes, which regulate our executive functions, including the ability to think before we speak or act, is actually under construction and thus not always available to intercede. Therefore, do not take all of his or her behavior personally and when emotions rise (yours or your child's) disengage, have a cooling off period, and then reengage when everyone is more rational.
  • Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his/her actions. Adolescents need to learn from their mistakes, and we as parents and educators need to realize the importance of "the blessings of a skinned knee." Buffering children from the results of their actions interferes with their maturation. Being accountable for one's action and making necessary amends teaches both the responsibility and self-reliance we as parents and educators are seeking.

Scott Tily has been an educator for over 35 years. He has taught in all grades 1 to 8. Most of his career has been as middle school math teacher and for the last ten years as the Middle School Principal at the Grosse Pointe Academy. Contact number: 313.886.1221 or visit www.gpacademy.org. The Grosse Pointe Academy is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals.

Save the Date
PARENTING THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS
Thursday, May 12, 7 p.m.
Grosse Pointe Academy, Fieldhouse, 171 Lake Shore Rd., Grosse Pointe Farms.
This annual spring middle school transition program will feature a panel of experts – followed by an open Q & A panel discussion. Scott Tily will be one the panelists for this special Ask the Experts presentation that will be offered for elementary and middle school students, parents and professionals.
No Fee, RSVP by May 6.

Celebrating a Decade of Commitment to Community Families 2000-2010

The Family Center serves as the community's hub for information, resources and referral for both families and professionals. The Family Center is a non-profit organization founded to promote a deeper understanding of the role of parents and others in supporting our youth to become competent, caring and responsible community members.

All gifts are tax-deductible.
To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org, call (313) 432.3832.
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20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236.